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: Tired of Being Isolated and Ignored, Continent Isn't Bloody Moving : SYDNEY, 800 miles South of Nova Scotia (UPI) — After what witnesses described as an all night blinder : during which : it kept droning on about how it was always being bloody ignored : by the whole : bloody world and would bloody well stand to do something about : it, Australia : this morning woke up to find itself in the middle of the North : Atlantic. : "Good Lord, that was a booze up," said a bleary-eyed Australian : Prime : Minister, John Howard, speaking from his residence at Kirribilli : House, : approximately 600 nautical miles east of Cape Hatteras, North : Carolina. : According to Australians and residents of several countries : destroyed or : lewdly insulted during the continent's nearly 7,000-mile : saler stagger, : the binge began just after noon yesterday at a pub in Brisbane, : where : several patrons were discussing Australia Day (Jan. 26) and the : nation's : general lack of respect from abroad. : "It started off same as always; coupla fossils saying how our : Banjo : Patterson was a better poet than Walt Whitman, how Con the : Fruiterer is : funnier than Seinfeld, only they're Aussies so no one knows : about 'em," : recalled witness Kevin Porter. "Then this bloke Martin pipes up : and says : Australia's main problem is that it's stuck in Australia, and : everybody says : 'Too right!'" : "Well, it made sense at the time," Porter added. : By 2 a.m., powered by national pride and alcohol, the : 3-million-square-mile : land m was barging eastward through the Coral Sea and : crossing into the : central Pacific, leaving a trail of beer cans and Chinese : take-away in its : wake. : When dawn broke over the Northern Hemisphere, the continent : suddenly found : itself, not only upside down, but smack in the middle of the : Atlantic, and : according to most of its 19 million inhabitants, that's the way : it's going : to stay. : "We sent troops to Afghanistan. You never hear about it. We have : huge : government scandals. You never hear about it. It's all 'America : did this,' : and 'Europe says that,'" exclaimed Perth resident Paul Watson. : "Well, we're : right in the thick of things now, so let's just see if you can : you ignore : us." : Officials on both sides of the Atlantic conceded that would be : difficult. : "They broke Florida," said U.S. State Department spokesman : Richard Boucher. : "And most of Latin America is missing." : Meanwhile, victims of what's already been dubbed the "Australian : Crawl" are : still shaking off the event. : "Australia bumped into us at about midnight local time," said : Hawaii : governor Ben Cayetano. "They were very friendly — they always : seem friendly : — but they refused to go around unless we answered their : questions. But the : questions were impossible. 'Who is Ian Thorpe? Do you have any : Tim Tams? : What day is Australia Day?'" : "Fortunately, somebody here had an Unimportant World Dates : calendar and we : aced the last one," Cayetano added. : Panama, however, was not so lucky. : "Australia came through here screaming curses at us to let them : through," : said Ernesto Carnal, who guards the locks at the entrance to the : Panama : C. "We said they would not fit, so they demanded to speak : with a : manager. When I go to find Mr. Caballos, they sneak the whole : continent : through." : When Caballos shouted to the fleeing country that it had not : paid, Australia : "accidentally" backed up and took out every nation in the : region, as well as : the northern third of Venezuela. They then made up a cheery song : about it. : By late morning today, however, not everyone in Australia was : quite so : blithe. "We've still got part of Jamaica stuck to Queensland," : said : Australian army commander Lt. Gen. Peter Cosgrove. "I think we : might have : declared war on it. I don't bloody remember. Maybe it's time to : go home." : Cosgrove, however, is not in the majority, and at press time, : U.S., African, : and European leaders were still desperately trying to negotiate : for : Australia's withdrawal. But the independent-minded Aussies were : not making : it easy. In a two-hour meeting at midday, Australian : representatives listed : their demands: immediate inclusion in the North Atlantic Treaty : Organization, a permanent CNN presence in all 6 Australian : states, a : worldwide ban on hiring Paul Hogan, a primetime U.S. television : contract for : Australian Rules Football, and a 4,500-mile-long bridge between : Sydney and : Los Angeles. : U.S. negotiators immediately walked out, calling the Australian : Rules : Football request "absurd."

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